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Christmas is not the same this year. This time of year is usually more difficult on our family, but this year marks the worst it's ever been. Bills are piled up so high it seems there is no end to them. Money is more than tight, I can't keep up. I've been the sole breadwinner for our family for three years now.
A little over 6 years ago, my husband and I got remarried. Yeah, I know, my second marriage is to the same man as my first. What can I say, I love him. Anyway, right around that time he started complaining about pain in his hips on occassion. He ignored it, figured it would go away. As the summer of 2006 approached, his hips caused him enough pain he was taking motrin by the handful and it took the edge off the pain. He was honorably discharged from the air force at the end of his enlistment that summer, and went to go train for the Las Vegas Metro Sherrif's department. He'd scored one of the highest scores, and was very much looking forward to it. I was starting to warm up to the idea of moving to Nevada. His dream had always been being a cop, since he was just a little kid. That's all he ever wanted to do. He was a cop in the Air Force, and he was finally on his way of being a civilian cop. The runs during their training were too much. The pain from his hips he described frequently as "Like being kicked in the jewels".
He decided to just move to Colorado, keep close to family, and work as a loss prevention detective for retail. It was heartbreaking, for him to go through, and I felt so helpless. Things started getting a little rocky, but I made enough money and him working too we were able to live comfortably. We had a budget, but at least things were managable. The end of 2006 approached, and my husband was served papers for child support about a child he believed wasn't his. I was the one home and received the papers for him. A week later I learned I was pregnant, and just days after that I miscarried. My husband and I went through a very difficult Christmas, but we made it. The DNA test confirmed the child was his and he was ordered to pay child support plus $10,000 in back child support. He started working full time, got promoted, and promoted again, and we managed. We had our third baby in February 2008.
At this time, health insurance through my place of employement was expensive. He wasn't covered, but figured since he's a VET, he can get medical help through the VA and in May of 2008 he finally was in so much pain he started to seek help from them for his hips, and started to need a cane to get around. Months went by and he'd seen one Dr, and had been on a waiting list. They had given him pain medications but really didn't know what was wrong. They'd done xrays and couldn't find anything to explain the pain. They pretty much told him to take some pills and toughen up. He did for as long as he could, but the pain just kept getting worse, and ultimately cost him his job in September of 2008.
He looked for work, put in over 200 applications and to companies across the States. He sat on the waiting list for the VA for his hips, and in December of 2008 he finally got to see a surgeon, thought things were finally moving along in finding out what was wrong with his hips. That same time, we learned we were going to have our fourth child. I added my husband on the insurance, but it would be a year before they would even consider covering his hips, them being a pre-existing condition. My husband believed he'd have surgery done through the VA and his hips feeling better before the baby came and could be working again. Finally April of 2009 he has arthroscopic surgery on his left hip to repair torn labrums. The Dr told me after it was done that he didn't know if it would relieve the pain or not, we would have to wait and see. At this time all we knew about what was wrong was he had torn labrums, but we didn't know why.
A month goes by and he's still in severe pain. The Dr ordered a cortisone injection in his hip to help him through the pain of physical therapy, that is still to this day, awaing approval in the VA. He completed his physical therapy and had been in excrutiating pain ever since.
I worked till a week before my son was born, and then weeks after he was born, we were living on food stamps and state assistance for rent and electricity while I was on my 6 week postpartum leave from work. Where I work maternity leave is not paid and I saved my paid time off to pay for the insurance which at the time was just about 700 a month. He finally got a job interview, at least working part time he could catch up on the child support. He had tried to contact the case worker to ask how to reduce the amount, at least temporarily, but she never returned his calls. Hind sight, I would have been much more aggressive in helping him with that if I'd known where we'd be today. The interveiw went well, but when they did his back ground check they discovered his license had been suspended. Turns out the late child support caused him to lose his license. Now without a valid driver's license in the economy the way it was, it was near impossible to find work. He put in more applications and nothing turned up. Then he got served for contempt for non payment of child support. The judge asked for a Dr's note about his hips. He went to the VA Dr in charge of his case that he had to wait till almost last minute to see due to their scheduling, just to hear her say "I don't even know what a labrum is, I am not qualified to do that." What? His primary care Dr at the VA doesn't even know what a labrum is? A torn labrum is what he had surgery for! How do you take care of a patient when you don't even know what it is that's wrong with them? At a loss, the social worker my husband had been seeing through the VA wrote a letter on his behalf, and we brought in all his medical records along with the social security disability application to prove we hadn't been ignoring the orders for child support on purpose. The magistrate skimmed throug the paperwork, told him to keep it home because medical records should not be a part of public record, it wasn't the hearing to prove anything yet, it was the one to say "guilty" or not, but neither of us really understood that and came back to court the next month expecting to hear her decision, sans a lawyer we didn't know what we were doing. I made too much money to qualify for a lawyer, but I couldn't afford one either, not with a family of 6 to support, and two in diapers. At this next court hearing, she said we ddin't bring the proof we needed, she saw no note from the Dr, and he was convicted. What? I felt blindsighted, I thought we were done proving stuff the last time. He was sentanced to 4 months in jail. While in jail he was put on work restrictions because of the condition in his hips.
Those months I lived as a single mother of four. I ate one meal a day on the bad days where I didn't have enough time to eat before work, had to feed the baby, and get all four kids to my mom's to be babysat while I worked, and I didn't eat at work needing to use my break times to pump breastmilk for our son, which left no time to eat too. I couldn't afford formula, and made just a little too much to qualify for assistance. While my husband was behind bars, the son he owed child support on got to spend a week in Disneyland, while I looked at my kids, all of which wore hand me downs of everything, and didn't know what it was like to even have new clothes anymore. Disneyland was something I felt I could never give them, and here they are without their father because we couldn't afford to give the mother of this child in Disneyland 400 dollars a month. I felt so robbed.
Soon after he got to come home, we started the process of getting his hips fixed through our private insurance. His year of waiting had been up now, and they would cover it now. We were sent back to the same surgeon who did his arthroscopic surgery the first time. he ordered more MRI's and Xrays. Finally in November of 2010 he got a diagnosis.
My husband was diagnosed with FAI, or Femoroacetabular Impingement of both hips. What that means is at the head of both of his thigh bones where they meet the hip socket, he has extra bone where it shouldn't be, and it has been wearing away and ripping away at his hips. My husband was sent to another Dr because the first one didn't work with bone problems. This Dr only worked Mondays and Tuesdays and a 45 minute drive away, and only until 2pm. I worked both those days till 2, and it was difficult to get in to see him. We managed to see him I think twice before his receptionist cursed and yelled at my husband and when he asked for a complaint line, she gave him a bogus phone number, and when he did contact the right people instead of fixing the problem, the Dr wrote him a letter telling him he would not treat him. So back to the VA he went, to see if he could get anywhere.
In the mean time, we were told to go to the city job finders in our area that help people find work who had been out of work for 6 months or more. They said my husband's work restrictions were too strict, and sent him to occupational rehabilitation. After learning all that was wrong, they said they couldn't help him till after surgery. Unable to get him employement, we decided to start a business. Well, we tried a few different business ideas, none have turned out. So we ended up sticking with my passion of art. He learned to design websites, built two for me, and a few he had learned to build with other business ideas. The photography and art is so far the only one that has shown any glimmer of hope for income. We had planned on doing many forms of photography, from training videos, real estate photography and video tours, to portraits and artistic stuff. Advertizing is not cheap, and I'm already on a strapped tight budget, making it nearly impossible to move forward. Even though it's slow, we're still trying.
It took me a few months to convince him to go back to our regular Dr's and request a different surgeon. We finally did, and right away the new Dr said "Have you ever heard of FAI?" when looking at his xrays with us. He understood exactly what my husband was going through, the pain made sense to him, and he seemed confident they could help him. The catch? The Dr who he needs to see through them only works a few times a month out of the clinic and is not easy to get into. Still better than the VA as his next appointment is the Wednesday before Christmas, and two days after his 2nd contempt of court hearing for the child support again.
We tried a pro bono lawyer, and they had sent us a letter saying they could not help us. I can't afford a lawyer, and my husband is convinced that he is going to go to jail again and this time for the maximum. We have the proper Dr's notes now, we've seen the right Dr's, we've been to the city job finders and their occupational rehabilitation, he's been denied social security and disability through the VA, I'm doing the best I can to give him a job in a world there is none to give, while drowning in a sea of debt. Our health insurance has gone up, the cost of living has gone up.
In a home where my husband feels completely hopeless, and we have no money for Christmas, it doesn't feel like there's much spirit for the holiday around here.
I'm doing the best I can to keep my head up. I decided that instead of buying Christmas gifts, we'd make something out of our own hands and hearts. I'd draw for my kids so their walls don't have to be bare anymore. I'll teach them the real meaning of Christmas this year, without a dime spent. I'll pray that the magistrate will accept the Dr's letters and realize that we aren't trying to avoid paying, we just can't afford it. He can't work, and there's nothing more I can do than what I'm already doing. She didn't seem to think that taking the only support I have for my kids from their father away for 4 months was unfair before, I don't expect her to give a hoot as to what it does to me or my children to have him locked up for 6 months. All I want for Christmas is to have this support issue resolved and fixed so that my husband can get his hips fixed without the added stress that he can't work. He already feels like a burden with all we've been through thus far. He doesn't feel like a burdent to me. It's life, and life isn't always fair. No matter what I'll be right there beside him all the way. We'll make it through. The tunnel ahead seems very dark and long, but we will come out of it. I wish my husband could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I tell him "we'll bring your notes, we'll write up a layman's terms paper on your condition so that the magistrate will understand it, we have your proof you went to the city job finder, and the occupational rehabilitation, we've tried to get a business going and we still are, how can she prove you didn't follow the order on purpose when we're doing all we can?" but they aren't words that are bringing any hope.
Well, I'm not going to just give up. We'll get through it one way or another.
